Wal-Mart
by Lauren Ashleigh
Summary: Guys and shopping, a dangerous conbination since the beginning of time. Expecially if it's the Gundam boys in an over crowed store.


Wal-Mart
    
    Angst Wal-Mart
    
    By-lolo winner
    
    It was a quiet afternoon at the safe house. Quatre sat on the couch reading the last few pages of his book. Trowa and Heero watched the news, looked out for anything on Oz's next move. Wu Fei was sitting in an armchair trying to mend a pair of his white pants-and wishing that he had paid more attention in home economics. Duo stood in front of the open fridge, mesmerized. 
    
    The television droned away with commercials. Heero and Trowa pretended not to pay attention to the Brittany Spears commercial for her new CD. Both of them made mental notes to pick up the CD of their secret favorite artist. Both of them thought hat she was hot.Quatre put down his book letting out a sigh of relief. Oprah's book club his ass! He would rather try and carry on a conversation with Trowa then read those cheesy sentimental books. He reminded himself for the hundredth time that day that he joined the book club for the girls and not the books. He seemed to pick the right club; there were plenty of cute, smart girls there. Quatre would win over their hearts with some load of crap about the book. He was already planning what he would say this week. 
    
    "Josephine's struggles with alcohol depicted so many of life's situations so perfectly. 
    
    I for one have felt the same love; hate relationship she experienced, of course not for alcohol though. And Margaret, wow! I love women who aren't afraid to face their problems. If it weren't for the fact that she was a fictional character, I would definitely ask her out." Oh yeah he was going to get a date this week. Having so many older sisters really came in handy for impressing girls. 
    
    His thoughts were interrupted by Duo. After searching for Red Bull for nearly fifteen minutes he finally gave up. He slammed the door shut and kicked it. "Damn it! How can I start my afternoon without some Red Bull!?" He yelled.
    
    "Why don't you go and get some more?"
    
    "What about getting there? My truck is in the shop."
    
    "And after that incident with the so called lawn gnome in the middle of the road, there is no way that you are ever getting behind the wheel of my car." Wu Fei said.
    
    Duo glared at him, he sucked in some air, preparing an attack of words to rival the major diss he had just received. Quatre spoke before Duo could get out a word, "I'll take you, I need some better reading material before my brain is reduced to mush."
    
    "Don't forget to have your fake I.D. ready to buy the magazines."
    
    "Heero that's just wrong, you know those magazines were Duo's." Quatre responded.
    
    "What!? Tho-" Duo started.
    
    Quatre cut him off again, "Anyone else want to come?"
    
    Wu Fei threw down his torn pants, "Those aren't worth my time, I'll come to get a new pair."
    
    "Black pants last longer." Duo said mater-of-factly.
    
    "That makes no sense Maxwell, color doesn't mean a thing."
    
    "Well look, my pants have no holes in them."
    
    "Oh yeah? What's that?" Wu Fei asked pointing to a small hole on the side of Duo's pants.
    
    Duo opened his mouth, "Heero, Trowa you want to come as well?" Quatre said, interrupting Duo yet again.
    
    They both thought about the Brittany Spears CD, "I doubt OZ will announce anything today, I'll join you." Heero said.
    
    "Trowa?" Quatre asked.
    
    Trowa shrugged, "Why not."
    
    *
    
    *
    
    *
    
    It was quickly decided that Wal-Mart was the best place to go for all their shopping needs. they entered the store cautiously. Shopping was scary enough on weekdays, but on Saturday the place was packed. 
    
    They started to disperse, heading their separate ways. "Wait, if we don't have a plan we will never-" Quatre started.
    
    "Who cares? We'll just meet back at the car." Duo called back. He bounded off in search of his precious Red Bull.
    
    Quatre shook his head, what was the point of even trying? He glanced up at the signs, trying to find his way around the unfamiliar store.
    
    *
    
    *
    
    *
    
    Duo decided on the least efficient way to find the beverage isle. He wondered around the home center wondering which way the drinks would be. Something caught his eye in the children's bedding isle. He stopped cold and stared at the pillowcase.
    
    Could it be? It had to be! Duo got all giddy. He grabbed the picachu pillowcase and hugged it against him. Picachu was his favorite Pokemon, he had to have this. He started to walk away with the pillowcase when he stopped at another item…
    
    The entire Picachu bed set. 
    
    *
    
    *
    
    *
    
    The clothing section was not what Wu Fei had expected. It seemed like they didn't carry Traditional Chinese pants. He finally resorted to the pajama section. He searched through the plaid prints for a pair of solid white ones.
    
    He knew that he most likely wouldn't find what he wanted, he never did. The difference about the other times and this time was that the pair he was wearing was the last intact pair he owned. And it was impossible to keep white clean.
    
    A sales woman noticed Wu Fei. She started walking over to him, "Can I help you?" She asked him politely.
    
    Wu Fei looked up, a deadly glare gracing his face. The frightened sales woman's face drained of all color. Wu Fei started to laugh, she sighed with relief.
    
    "How could a woman help me?" He asked coldly, "Go back to your kitchen where you belong."
    
    *
    
    *
    
    *
    
    Quatre was still browsing the book section. He had already picked up a Gresham, along with a few other less mind numbing books. He was about ready to find the others when he noticed a self-help book left behind in the fiction row.
    
    The book was called "The Mr. Nice Guy's Guide to Life." He glanced around to make sure that no one was paying attention before picking up the book. He skimmed though the contents past chapters named "Just say NO," and "That's the way it has to be, yeah right!" "Speak up!" and so on. It seemed to have everything, even a chapter on pick up lines.
    
    He turned the book over and glanced at the price. Six bucks, not bad at all. He stared at it for a little longer debating on weather to get it or not. Who knew what shit he would get for it back at the safe house. That was if it was found. He slid the book in between a novel and this month's addition of "Entrepreneur" and headed for the check out line.
    
    *  
    
    *  
    
    *  
    
    Mission complete. Heero had successfully found the Brittany Spears CD with out the course of anyone else finding out. He started to slip the CD under his shirt."OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH Heero's shoplifting!"
    
    Heero turned around, whipping out his gun, "Duo!" He said angrily.
    
    "Don't-cha know that your suppose to pay for that?"
    
    "Look who's talking." Heero slid his gun back into hiding.
    
    "Stealing to live and stealing for fun are two completely different things ya know."

"How are you going to pay for all that?" Heero motioned towards Duo's cart. Duo's cart was filled with odd items, a bucket of G-I Joes, bobby pins, a backpack, Scooby Doo movie, assorted Pokemon items, and about a dozen packs of gum. 

"I generated more money into my account yesterday."

Heero rolled his eyes, Duo was just as bad as he was.

"What-cha got there anyways?"

Heero looked away, trying to find an exit, "A CD."

"Oh really? Who's?"

Heero ignored him and started to walk away. Duo cut him off.

*  
*  
*  
Quatre leaned up against the side of his BMW 323 ci (authors note : c for convertible and i for um.. I think un-long. Drools over car, if anyone wants to get me something that I will cherish forever…oh yeah baby that's it. lol jk I'll save that for my husband. N e ways back to the story.) reading though "Entrepreneur" He couldn't seem to concentrate on the article he was reading though, He kept glancing back at his bag. He wanted to start "The Mr. Nice Guy's Guide to Life," but did he dare read it in public? Then again would reading it at the safe house be any easier? Quatre debated for a few more minutes. He glanced at his watch.

"What is taking them so long?" He thought. A half hour had already passed. Quatre shook his head, who knew what could be going on in there. He tossed the magazine back in his bag and put the bag on the front passenger's seat. 

*  
*  
*

Trowa stayed put in his hiding place. Heero and Duo were right in front of the "S" section of the CD isle. Duo had managed to keep Heero there for ten minutes, that had to be a world record or something, and Duo's talking had no end in site.

Two children ran past Trowa, playing. "Hey kids." He said quietly.

They turned around. Trowa walked closed to them, he kept his distence so they wouldn't be frightened. He placed his knee on the linoleum. He rested his arm on the knee that wasn't on the floor. "How would you two like five dollars?"

*  
*  
*  
"Sir I only want to help you." The sales woman said in defense.

"I don't need help from a woman." Wu Fei said, turning up his nose to her.

"But-"

Wu Fei glared at her again, "Don't get me angry." 

The sales woman gave up, she walked away, her shoulders slumped in defeat. The second she was out of Wu Fei's sight she picked up the employee phone and dialed security. 

*  
*

*

Heero's head was starting to pound. He looked for a way to escape, when every he tried though Duo pulled him back. He feared taking out his aggression on Duo, there were to many people present. 

Something caught his eye. He watched as two small children started to push Duo's cart. He waited until they were good and far. "Didn't you have a cart?" He asked. 

Duo looked at him questioningly, "Yea it's right-Where's my cart!?"

The two children giggled in delight at Duo's frustration.

"Hey come back here you little brats! That's mine!" The two started to run leaving the cart. Duo got behind the cart and started after them.

Heero let out a sigh of relief. Finally! He left the CD section and headed for the doors with his hidden treasure.

When Heero was gone Trowa ventured from his hiding place. He made a beeline for the Brittany Spears CD.

*  
*  
*

Wal-Mart certainly looked smaller from the outside. Quatre thought as he tried to find his way around. Having half the lights turned off wasn't helping much. "Damn energy crisis." Quatre said to himself, "I told them we should of taken refuge at my place." Quatre made a mental note to read the chapter in the self-help book named "My Way of the Highway" first. 

He heard a bit of a skirmish over in the men's clothing department. He decided to start there. When he arrived he saw Wu Fei trying to fight off five security guards, and doing quite well. 

"Wu Fei!" He yelled over the commotion. Wu Fei didn't even look his way. Quatre ran over to him, he thrust his arms under Wu Fei's and brought them up, holding him tight. "Stop it!"

"Let me go Quatre."

"Calm down, leave the guards alone."

Wu Fei stopped struggling. Quatre let him go. One of the guards came to his feet. "Why I otta-" He started, his hand moved towards his nightstick.

"Run!" Quatre yelled, it was the only answer he could think of that didn't involve beating the over weight rent-a-cop to a pulp or jail time. 

Wu Fei grabbed a pair of pants from a rack as they passed it. He wasn't about to go home empty handed. 

*  
*  
*  
Duo finally caught up with the little devils. He held them in place by the backs of their shirts. "I'll teach you not to steal from the God of Death." Duo said. The children were no longer laughing, they were now crying, terrified. 

A woman screamed, "Help he's taking my babies!"

Duo looked up. The woman was pointing at him, along with everyone's eyes in that part of the store. Letting go of the children he stood and back up, "Hold on you've got everything all wrong." 

A man walked angrily over to Duo he rolled up his sleeve, "I'll teach you, you kidnapper." He pulled back his arm preparing to strike Duo in the jaw.

"Duo!" Quatre yelled. Duo glanced over right as the man swung. Duo ducked, the man flew over him. Duo got back up right before being run over by Quatre and Wu Fei. Quatre clasped on to his hand nearly pulling his arm out of the socket. At the last possible moment Duo grabbled a hold of his cart with his free hand. He leaped over the fallen man and tried to keep up. 

*  
*  
*  
Heero and Trowa waited silently by Quatre's car. The silence was broken when Quatre, Duo, and Wu Fei came running out of the store. "Pop the Trunk! Pop the trunk!" Duo yelled to Quatre.

Quatre fumbled with his keys. He finally found the right button just before they reached the car. Heero and Trowa watched quizativly at the scene. Duo started throwing arm-fulls of stuff into the trunk.

"What happened?" Heero asked.

"I'll explain later, get in the car!" Quatre snapped back. 

Heero and Trowa looked at each other with a shrug before getting in the backseat. Quatre jumped in the drivers seat. He started the car as Wu Fei held off the guards. In the distance sirens could be heard.

"YEEEEEEHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" Duo cried ramming the now empty cart into one of the guards.

"I call shot gun!" Duo called out as he bounded to the car. Wu Fei gave little objection and squeezed into the back seat. 

Quatre pulled the car out at a dangerous speed. The wheels screeched in argument. Switching into first Quatre slammed his foot on the gas pedal. They flew out of the parking lot.

"That was exciting." Duo said. He reached his hand underneath him; he pulled out Quatre's bag and flung it into the backseat. The books fell out of the bag, littering the backseat. 

Wu Fei stared at the one that landed on his lap, "The Mr. Nice Guy's Guide to Life." He read out loud. He wanted to avenge Quatre for what he did inside.

Quatre gasped, he flushed red, "It-it's not what you think." He stammered.

"Oh!! Let me see that!" Duo said reaching back. 

Wu Fei held the book out of reach, "Chapter one: The Kind Disease."

"Wu Fei Please don't." 

"Chapter two: I am not a doormat."

Duo stopped reaching and started to listen to Wu Fei. A broad smile graced his face. He loved this stuff. Trowa and Heero smirked as the chapter titles were read.

"Heero we go, chapter eight: The lines that don't and do work on women." 

"Please stop!" Quatre reached back yet again for the book, Wu Fei pulled it back out of his reach.

Wu Fei started to read the bad lines, when he got to, "You look hot, could I buy you a drink to cool you down?" Duo's eyes opened wide, "I forgot my red bull!" He yelled, "We've got to go back!" 

All the remark did was stop the reading of the book and replace it with a chorus of moans.

*  
*  
*

Back at the safe house things were starting to calm down. Quatre was still red from the book reading. He was trying to think of the best way to explain the situation away, Duo mumbled about how real friends would loan him their car as he scanned the bus times. Trowa flipped though Quatre's "Entrepreneur" magazine. Heero typed away on the computer with headphones glued to his ears.

"Quatre!" Wu Fei yelled from the other room. Everyone but Heero looked up. WU Fei entered the family room fuming with anger.Duo took one look at him and nearly fell out of his chair with laughter. Quatre stared jaw slacked.

Wu Fei put his hands on the hips of his new pink flowered, extra large pajama pants. "Nice going Winner now I'm stuck wearing these for who knows how long." 

"You…can go…with…me…Wu-man." Duo said in between laughs and gasps for air.

"Yea right, it's an injustice to think that I will go out in these! Thanks to Quatre I have nothing to wear. You are going to pay for this Winner!"

Quatre started to back up, "Now Wu Fei lets talk this out, nothing will come from fighting."

"You mean besides satisfaction and justice?" Wu Fei said, he charged Quatre.

Quatre ducked out of the way. Wu Fei came at him again and again. Quatre dodged each onslaught.

Trowa got out of the way. He sat down at the kitchen table and continued to read the magazine. Duo leaned over the couch cheering them on. 

Wu Fei's fist came in contact with Quatre's abdomen. Quatre flew back, landing behind Heero's chair. Quatre moaned in anguish he looked up to see Wu Fei flying though the air. Quatre rolled out of the way. When Wu Fei saw this he tried to shift his attack.

Instead of hitting Quatre though his foot was planted into the back of the swivel chair. Heero spun in the chair, the cord of the headphones tightened. Before Heero could stop the cord was yanked from the computer.

"Because I'm stronger then yesterday…" Brittany sang. 

Wu Fei stopped his attack and gawked at the computer. Quatre took the chance to make some space between himself and Wu Fei. IF Duo was laughing hard at Wu Fei's pants, he was killing himself with laughter at this new development. 

Heero turned off the music, but it was too late, the damage to his reputation was done. Quatre didn't seem to car much about the CD, but Wu Fei and Duo did. "Heero what the hell was that?" Wu Fei said.

"Hero is a-a-a TEENY BOPPER!" Duo said, still rolling on the floor, tears streaming down his face.

"It was nothing." Heero said, returning to his work.

Duo and Wu Fei didn't let the chance to humiliate the "perfect soldier' slip away. They continued to taunt him. Duo started to sing "Hit me baby one more time" and dancing around while Wu Fei kept to the more traditional form of humiliation-words. 

"You should of told me you liked her, I saw a folder of her that you could put your documents in."

Heero tried to ignore the commotion. "Don't worry a poster will fit in your Gundam." Duo said. He was still dancing around the living room.

Trowa looked up, "No it won't I tri-" He caught himself, but like Heero it was too late. The attention focused on Trowa. 

Duo and Wu Fei looked at each other, at the exact same time they started to sing "Hit me baby one more time." And dancing like drunken ballerinas around the kitchen and sitting room. 

Quatre shook his head; he pulled out one of his new books and started to read, completely ignoring the hilarious scene-taking place before him. 


End file.
